A relationship needs to be built on trust. Trust doesnt happen over night as you need time to find out who the person really is and not the person who is trying to impress you. Having someone you trust means there is some predictability as you know what your partner is capable of and what they are not. Here are some concrete ways to create trust in your relationship.

1. You will need to build trust in a relationship is to be predictable. This will go in opposition to the common notion that you have to stir stuff up to always keep the romance alive. Sure, going to a different restaurant or offering a surprise gift can be great, but most of all, we require things to be dependable and steady in order to make our relationships work. Take into account that trust in a relationship could be built on being reliable day in and day out.

2. You need to make sure that your language at all times match the message. This suggests that your partner needs to hear the words that match your body language. As long as you say you are happy but you are frowning, your spouse does not hear your words, he or she sees your face and the tone in your voice. Your partner must be able to rely on what you are saying. Any time the words match the message, you create trust in a relationship.

3. You need have a fundamental confidence in your partners competency. If you dont you wont have the trust in a relationship that you might want. When lovingly communicated, the truth is never harmful. When you do not believe that your partner is competent at some things (or indeed, anything), you violate the trust in a relationship.

4. Dont keep secrets. More than anything else, secrets destroy trust in a relationship. Be honest and open. You have to assume that everything you know will eventually be found out by your spouse. Secrets need to have enormous energy on your part. That is energy that could quite possibly be going into building the relationship.

5. Dont be afraid to let your spouse know what your needs are. Dont make him or her speculate what you need. Let them know. It is okay to be self-centered as long as you are not being selfish. Indeed, if you are afraid to assert your needs, you may go overboard in the opposite direction and smother your spouse.

6. Its important to learn to say no. If ever your spouse voices his or her needs then that is a good step. Its important that you dont have to say yes to everything. Your spouse cannot value you if you hardly ever say no. Refusing to be subjugated to the other persons will basically build trust in a relationship.

7. Always pursue improvement. When you plant a flower, you start by digging in the dirt. Unfortunately pain can be caused when digging in the dirt of your relationship. However, preparing the soil and feeling the pain will prepare you for future growth. Dont be fearful of uncertainty, crisis, or questions. These become the fertilizer for advancement and change. Embrace what is difficult.

Even though controlling relationships are almost universally considered to be negative and very undesirable, they are far more prevalant than people realize. They are primarily the by-product of children being raised in homes with one or more controlling parents, and/or a highly unstable environment due to negative events.

The person who is trying to do the controlling is almost always trying to compensate for the “out of control” nature of the environment they grew up in. Internal fears of life spiralling out of control plague people with regular control problems. Their context for life was set in childhood and they often continue living out of that paradigm even though it’s no longer relevant.

The unstable home environment could have been a result of an alcoholic parent(s), an absent workaholic parent(s), the breakdown of the marriage, or some form of physical or emotional abuse. If a parent withholds love and affection as a means of keeping the child under their thumb, this destructive behaviour can carry over into adult relationships and cause a lot of problems.

The person who chooses to marry or date the controller is doing so because of one or a combination of the following reasons. 1. This is what they grew up with and it’s what they’re accustomed to. Although it’s not pleasant, being controlled is strangely comfortable. 2. They are attempting to change the controller, to reform them. This is often done unknowingly. The unconcious intention is to try and repair a disappointing relationship they had with their parent(s). 3. Being in a relationship with a controller makes them look good, because when they measure their own behaviour against the controller’s, they look like their doing a pretty good job of running their life, even though they’re probably not. 4. As times life seems easier while in a relationship with a controller because the controller makes most if not all the decisions for both people. It gives them someone to blame when things don’t work out right because…they didn’t make the decision!?!?

There are a few things to consider if you are looking to steer clear of a controlling relationship.

1. If being controlled is what you are used to, what you grew up with, then it’s vital to realize that “you are not responsible for the environment you grew up in.” In dysfunctional homes, the children tend to take responsibility for the parent’s problematic behaviours. In controlling homes it’s common for the parent(s) to blame the child as a means of off loading responsibility and thus paralyzing the child. In order to drive it deep into your subconcious mind, I suggest you repeat that phrase over and over. “The environment you grew up in was not your responsibility, not your doing.” As importantly, “you are 100% response-able, able to respond, to your life as an adult.” You can learn the skills and run your life well without the need to have a controlling person manipulating you.

2. If it’s your intention to try and reform a controller….please stop. Trying to control something you have no control over is the best possible way to create insanity in an individual. The only control any of us have is over ourselves. We can gain tremendous increases in our sense of control over our own lives if we will spend our time working on our own hangups and misgivings. Efforts to correct a controlling person are really only futile attempts to control them.

3. As an attempt to cover up your lack of personal initiative, don’t hide behind a controlling person’s unhealthy actions to make yourself look good. Find a reason for living that brings joy to you and others. Do some research into your life purpose. Why are you here? We’ve most likely never met, you and I, yet I am quite sure you have abilities and gifts that can be used to make the world a better place to live.

4. Learn how to make decisions for yourself. Being in a relationship with a controlling person can be pretty terrific because they are more than happy to make most if not all the decisions. That seems to make things easy, except that you aren’t developing the habit of making good decisions. This step is primarily about your will and rarely about skill. “But I don’t know how!” you protest. You will learn. Bit by bit, day by day. The process of learning to make better choices is the same as learning any new skill, it gets better and better with more practice. Practice does not make perfect, but it sure makes life a lot more pleasant!